Joe is yelling at the trees again.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
