You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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