Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
