dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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