Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
