dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm sobbing to NWA
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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