please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
