We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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