What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Mom said you looked used
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
