I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
