I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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