I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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