My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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