I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
