I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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