Swine flu. Run for my life!
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
