I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
tell me about the fingering
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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