i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
