Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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