How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
