The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
