I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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