you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
