I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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