hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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