I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
