I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
