I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
