I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize