I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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