Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
