You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
