New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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