Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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