If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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