Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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