i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
