the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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