Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
No more Irish car bombs ever.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
