There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
