How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
