i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He shit in the fireplace
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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