we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
