I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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