9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
The Olympian is in my bed
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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