champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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