i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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