Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
