i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
