her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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