i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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