Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
