I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
