not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
