Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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