i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
