god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
