So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
